My husband and I decided to talk to our son together. We
all sat down and I told him I was going away for five
weeks. It hurt so much when he looked at me. His eyes
were watering and I knew he wanted to cry. He looked so
scared and confused. He was trying to be strong and I
told him I loved him and that I was sick and needed
help. I promised him I would come back a better mom. I
had broken so many promises in the past and I felt like
I had no right to make this one to him because I didn’t
know if I would ever get better.
As I sat there I remembered the years leading up to
this. Before gambling took over my life, he had my full
attention and I am sure he knew how much I loved him. He
could depend on me the way a child should. I was there
for him emotionally. I never passed up a chance to tell
him I loved him. I read him stories at night and was the
proud mother at every school play he was in.
I had never seen it coming. I had become the mother who
would spend money intended for her son’s birthday
presents on gambling, and I had just let my son down
again. I was supposed to be there for him, but for the
last two years I was slowly pushing him away.
We didn’t have to tell our four-year-old because he was
too young to understand. I thought he was going to
forget me. I wanted to die.
I got into bed that night and cried until I went to
sleep. The next morning I showered and packed my
clothes. It was almost time for my older son to catch
the bus for school and I hugged him one last time. His
eyes watered and I knew he still had so many questions.
I told him I loved him and I was going to fight this
thing and come home soon. I didn’t really believe that
at the time. I felt like I was never coming home again.
My father came to pick me up at 7:30. I hugged my
four-year-old and the tears would not stop. This was the
hardest thing I had ever had to do. It was time to go
and I wanted to run away. I hugged my husband and I
could feel the tension and see the disappointment in his
face.
I looked back as my father and I drove away and silently
said “Goodbye and I’m sorry; please forgive
me”.
Rhea's Compulsive Gambling Addiction Continues
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