I don’t think I was actually breathing at that moment. I
told him we needed to talk and we went outside so that
we could be alone. We sat down and I just blurted out
that I needed to go in to a 36-day treatment center. He
looked lost. I actually thought he would know what I was
saying and therefore I would not have to actually say
it. He asked me why and what was going on. I told him I
was still gambling and I needed help. The look on his
face scared me. I started to cry. He didn’t understand
why I could not quit. If I loved him and the kids then
it should not be a problem to stop. God knows I wanted
to stop and I could not understand why either. Maybe
this treatment center could help me, although I was
still not convinced they could. We talked about how hard
it would be because his job required him to travel and
our kids needed me there. He was in shock and didn’t
know what to do. I wanted to disappear into thin air. I
wanted out of myself and my mind.
The phone rang and I knew it was Tim. I explained to him
I was talking to my husband and it wasn’t going to be
possible to go into treatment at this time. I wanted him
to talk to my husband so he could help him deal with
this. Maybe tell him I was screwed up and he should send
me away. I handed the phone to my husband and walked
away, still crying. Ten minutes passed and he came back
out to the driveway where I was standing and told me to
pack my bags, I was going for treatment.
I asked him what Tim had said to change his mind. He
told me Tim said that if I didn’t go, I would die from
this disease.
I felt sick. All I could think about at that moment were
what have I Time to the ones I love? I must be the most
selfish person in the world. People get cancer they
didn’t ask for but I did this to myself. I thought I
somehow asked for it. I hated everything about me.
I walked into the house and held my younger child in my
arms, holding on for dear life. I felt like I would
never see him again. Then I hugged the 12-year-old,
and I knew I would have to explain what was going on. It
felt as if I was about to go to jail for a crime I had
committed against myself and my family. How could I
leave them? How would they manage without me? I thought
that without me they would not survive.
I had to call my best friend and tell her what was going
on so that she could help with the kids. She knew I
gambled but she had no idea the devastation that had
taken place. She said she was proud of me and I thought
that was odd. How could someone be proud of such a
loser? I didn’t feel proud; as a matter of fact, I felt
pathetic
