I went into the daycare center to get my son. As I put
him in his car seat, I was suddenly overcome with
emotion. Driving off, I glanced at him in the rear- view
mirror and the tears burned my face. He was so innocent
and depended on me for everything. He did not know the
terror I was feeling as he sang a new song he had
learned that day. I stopped at a red light and looked
over at the driver next to me. It was a woman talking to
her child in the front seat and she was smiling. I
wanted to be her. She appeared to be happy and I was
sure she was not a compulsive gambler. I was the only
one in the world selfish enough to do what I did to my
family.
I drove up the driveway and went into the house. My
husband was standing in the kitchen and I could not look
at him.
An hour passed and Tim called again. I could hear in his
voice he was not going to give up on me. He asked me how
I was doing. I lied and told him I was on the other line
with my mother and asked him to call me back. He said he
would. I felt rushed to make a decision to confess or
try one more time to quit. The chaos in my head was
becoming unbearable.
I had spent the last hour trying to decide whether or
not to do anything at all. I thought about ways to get
money to replace what I had lost. If I did that then
maybe everything would be okay and I would never gamble
again. I knew I would really have to quit this time. If
only I could find a way to bottle up the remorse I felt
after gambling, then I could take a sip of it when the
urge hit. I was always the most confident of being able
to quit when I felt the painful remorse.
My head was spinning trying to figure out what to do. I
sat on the bed and put my head in my hands and just
cried. I was so tired. The phone rang and I felt like I
would be sick. It was the persistent man from the
treatment center. I told him I had not talked to my
husband yet and I would have to call him back. I hung up
the phone and took a deep breath. I was hoping I would
drop dead of some natural cause. How could I have done
this? The world was ending for me; my life felt over. I
walked back into the kitchen and tried to meet my
husband’s eyes.
