The day started like any other day. I got dressed for
work and thoughts of gambling entered my mind. I didn’t
want to gamble that day, but I knew nothing would stop
me. I did not know how to stop.
I would lie awake at night begging God to help me. The
pain of hopelessness was excruciating. Day after day I
promised myself I would never gamble again, but
eventually came to the conclusion I would die gambling.
My husband thought I had quit many months before, so now
I was lying about where I spent my days. I was lying
about many things these days and although I knew it was
wrong I could not control it.
I wanted to get caught because I didn’t have the courage
to tell him. I honestly wanted to tell him I was in
trouble, but I thought he would leave me and take the
kids away from me. I felt alone and helpless. Sometimes
when I was gambling I wanted him to come into the casino
and get me out of there. I imagined he would understand
and tell me it would all be okay. But I knew just the
opposite would happen. He would come in and make a
scene. I would try to explain myself, and we would not
speak for days, leaving me to feel like a pathetic
loser. Any time in the past when I confessed to gambling
it only made the situation worse. He did not understand,
and that made two of us.
I called in sick at work on my way to the casino. During
the hour drive I kept thinking that this was not right
and that I should turn around and go home. I wanted to,
but the idea that today I could win kept me going. When
I pulled into the parking lot of the casino all doubts
disappeared. I was there and it was too late to turn
back now. I turned my phone off because if someone
called I would feel I had to answer and on the other end
might be a reason I would have to leave. I could always
say later my phone was not working.
